Site Meter Reflections on Playboy: The 37-year-old Ecstasy virgin

August 17, 2009

The 37-year-old Ecstasy virgin

That’s me.

I’m not a very good playboy. It isn’t a matter of literally embodying the lifestyle championed by my favorite magazine. I’ve been a failure as a playboy simply by lacking the joie de vivre for which it stands. Post-traumatic stress keeps me too unhappy and distracted to work, love, or play. I don’t have the willpower to avoid flashbacks of being humiliated in school and at home during my youth. My condition has gotten me into trouble by making me vindictive, spiteful, irresponsible, and prone to tantrums. Talk therapy, Prozac, and cannabis have failed to bring permanent relief. When will I stop feeling like a worthless chickenshit for not rebelling enough back when rebellion would have meant something?

Intellectually, I understand that forgiveness would set me free. But finding the will to forgive is so hard that I’m forced to resort to illegal means. Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, also called MDMA or Ecstasy, has a remarkable way of helping people overcome their emotional traumas. I’m convinced it just might be my salvation. The narcs can go to hell.

Last Saturday night, I went to an electronic dance music show to try to find some. I made two new friends that night, confiding in both of them about my need. One of them showed me a little bag with powder in it, inviting me to wet my fingertip and dip it in the bag twice. I declined the offer, although I hated myself for being timid. I was hoping to make a purchase that I could try later, in a setting more congenial to self-exploration and healing. Neither of my friends could enable me to buy any that night, so I’m still an Ecstasy virgin. I intend to pop that cherry as soon as possible. To paraphrase a slogan of 1980s television, I want my MDMA!

The sequel to this post:
No longer an Ecstasy virgin

Posted by Brian Sorgatz at 7:28 PM

  • Blogger SHANTRA left this comment at August 17, 2009 9:23 PM  
    Good luck with this, Brian. At one point, my ex-husband was interested in pursuing this avenue as a means of healing our relationship, but we never pursued the idea.

  • Anonymous Raquel left this comment at August 18, 2009 10:08 AM  
    Be careful with this, Brian. I wasted a year of my life experimenting with this drug. I can't say I didn't enjoy it, but I can't say that I didn't pay a high cost for it as well. I was fortunate enough to pull away before I lost all my sense of reality, but I had other friends who weren't, like a successful lawyer who lost his family and career and now lives in a trailer with a crack addicted stripper. I know it sounds like the stuff television is made of but I'm not kidding. This really happens... a lot. If you try it, enjoy it, but like anything else that poses high risk, put careful consideration into all that may come with it.

  • Blogger Brian Sorgatz left this comment at August 18, 2009 10:27 AM  
    Raquel,
    My life sucks so hard already that it’s totally worth the risk. In a few months, credit card debt may put me on the street, basically because I spend too much time fuming over my past to take proper care of myself today. I have relatively little to lose and much to gain from occasional use of MDMA.

  • Anonymous Patrick left this comment at August 19, 2009 2:53 PM  
    The rebound from an MDMA high can be really harsh. What comes up most come down or, if you prefer, ever action has an equal and opposite reaction. Ex is fun and you'll feel great in the short term, but I really really really caution against using it to deal with your problems. Eventually the drug will lose its zing (as they all do) and you'll take more just to not feel the low. One day, if you stop taking it altogether, the crash will be horrible.
    Besides, are you really dealing with your past or just masking it? Sticking your feelings in the corner means they'll just come back later, and angrier/sadder than ever.
    None of this comes from friends' experiences, etc. -- direct and personal from my own life. It's not easy, huh?

  • Blogger Brian Sorgatz left this comment at August 19, 2009 5:11 PM  
    1.) There are ways of coping with the comedown, such as 5-HTP supplements to restore serotonin.

    2.) I plan to visit the MDMA experience, not to live there. I understand that it’s not an everyday palliative but a drug to be used on rare occasions to gain insight and wisdom. Before it hit the dance club scene, MDMA was effectively used this way.

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