January 22, 2009
The Teenage Liberation Repayment Plan™
I. JustificationGrace Llewellyn wrote
The Teenage Liberation Handbook, but she deserves no blame for my behavior. She is a better human being than to go where I go.
Teenagers are the new niggers because of slave-driving pieces of shit like my parents. Daddie Dearest has escaped justice through an untimely but lucrative death. Mommie Dearest will suffer on behalf of them both through my campaign of deception and financial exploitation.
The news media and pundit class have largely ignored the wisdom of
Judith Rich Harris, but I do not. After her conclusive recognition that our childhood peers have a far stronger influence on our development than our parents (other than genetically), I need to explain a little more why my parents deserve so much blame. The authoritarian mindfuck at home was reinforced and enabled by the
authoritarian mindfuck of the American public school system, a diabolical
import from the absolute monarchy of nineteenth-century Prussia that probably enhances the gullibility of American consumers and voters.
Of all my bitter memories of school, I most resent the
de facto sexual abuse of junior high school gym class. It was like going to Abu Ghraib prison for forty minutes a day, five days a week. While entertainments like
The Simpsons and
A Christmas Story tend to shrug off schoolyard bullying with Norman Rockwell sentimentality, I expect more imagination, courage, and compassion from my next of kin. I’ve tried my best to explain my outrage, but my mother can’t get over her misery-loves-company mentality. That dull-witted, cowardly, bureaucratic, insensitive bitch has lost any claim to filial piety on my part.
II. ImplementationOver the next few months, I’ll be “borrowing” thousands of dollars from my mother, allegedly spending my days looking for a permanent residence
in Arcata. Please don’t rat me out, folks, after I tell you my real intentions. I’m robbing that cunt of as much of her retirement savings as possible while indulging in the self-directed liberal education I was due in my childhood. Why should I follow the Apostle Paul’s advice to put away childish things when my childhood was spent in slavery to a program of utopian social engineering? Kids in the developing world who work in factories
arguably have it somewhat better than I did in those days. At least nobody rationalizes their labor as personal growth rather than the drudgery it is.
Please don’t tell that cunt, but I’ll make no effort to move out of the motel room until I’ve had my fill of the
Iliad, the
Odyssey,
The Art of War by Sun Tzu,
Playboy,
Sex and the Single Girl by
Helen Gurley Brown, television, cinema, piano,
didgeridoo, Spanish, weight training, and whatever the hell else I feel like studying. As a boy, I was unjustly deprived of freedom and dignity. As a man, I’ll take them by any means necessary.
Update, January 23, 2009, 2:40 p.m.: I’ll remind everybody that I’m wearing my special T-shirt around town
every day. On both the front and back, it says MY FATHER DIED BEFORE I COULD KILL HIM. And yes, I believe this counts as reclaiming my dignity. I’m a real bastard—or I wish I were.
A related subsequent post:Begun the Teenage Liberation War has
Posted by Brian Sorgatz at 2:07 PM
left this comment at December 5, 2009 1:27 AM
Oh no, you had to go to public school, how very dreadful.
The world weeps for the tragedy you have endured.
Brian Sorgatz left this comment at December 5, 2009 4:34 PM
Anonymous,
Unlike you, some of us have the courage, imagination, and self-respect to wish for something better than a learning environment ruled by bullies and bureaucrats. If you’re the type who resigns himself to the shit life feeds him, then you deserve it.
« Home
left this comment at December 5, 2009 1:27 AM
Brian Sorgatz left this comment at December 5, 2009 4:34 PM