Site Meter Reflections on Playboy: Monday morning autodidact report 6

August 18, 2008

Monday morning autodidact report 6

Lately, some things have been sucking. Moving away from my past and towards the Pacific coast has proven more difficult than I thought. Meanwhile, I embarrass myself with daily failures of nerve: I keep failing to find the guts to give nearly as much of myself as I could to the self-study projects. Do the self-employed have the toughest bosses of all? If the work is not necessary to earn a living and yields only intangible rewards of self-enrichment, does this paradoxically make the work so much harder to get done?

Unfortunately, it’s been another seven days with nothing on my Playboy fan blog between two autodidact reports. This embarrasses me in at least two ways. For one, I feel unworthy of the beautiful ideas Playboy symbolizes for me, having let so much time go by with no thematically appropriate material on the blog. For another, I’m starting to get paranoid at the thought that people will suspect that the time I waste avoiding my own goals is spent masturbating.

As these paragraphs brew, it occurs to me that I only wish I could name masturbation as the thief of my time. Physical self-love is an order of magnitude more dignified than the mental acts of self-abuse I indulge in almost constantly. All day long, I have compulsive fantasies about being helplessly victimized as other people piss all over me verbally. The temptation to unhappiness is shockingly difficult to avoid. Who, especially among Playboy fans, wouldn’t be less ashamed of an addiction to wanking than to that?

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Posted by Brian Sorgatz at 10:50 AM

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